Ninja Assassin

…had more problems than Moses caused for the Pharaoh.
I'd like to start this off by saying that this movie was a lot of fun, especially because of the group I saw it with. See it at some point in your life, preferably at a time when you want to laugh at something for being ridiculous while simultaneously increasing your heart rate to quasi-dangerous levels. I just hope you don't pay to see it. A rental, maybe…otherwise no, not worth it. Moving on- let's commence the beat down.
This movie is full of paradoxes. While in premise, it is not a serious movie at all, it finds itself getting surprisingly serious and overly emotional at times, usually at a "lull" in the action. Problem number one right there; we don't want lulls in action. As movie goers in this kind of movie, we want a small amount of development and backstory, and after that it's all about action and small periods of traveling from one bit of action to the next. Ninja assassin chose to look at the backstory at intervals, revealing small amounts at a time, which makes for a better storytelling mechanic in general, but the execution of this mechanic was too poor to warrant its use. The backstory should have been told completely in the first third of the movie or so, small gaps permitted, but it should not have been a sideshow throughout the majority of the movie.
And what's worst about the backstory is the guilt-trip it takes us on, forcing us to find emotion in the main character and sympathize rather than building it properly. In the early 2009 movie, Taken, our hero's motivation is given in a relatively real and dramatic fashion, without too much downtime, and with intermittent action to spice things up. What's more, the characters are given personalities and traits by the simplest of actions (i.e. ex-wife's and step-dad's behavior at his daughter's birthday party, or his group of friends having dinner). Ninja Assassin, on the other hand, merely shows physical pain of his past, through scenes of sparring and training, accompanied by the obligatory girl character/love interest. Actually, that's not fair; occasionally, we get a scene about just her, too! We get no character, no motivation, until we learn that his pseudo-girlfriend wanted to leave and ran away from this ninja orphan training camp/murder factory and, omg SHOCK, kissed him. Then she gets caught and stabbed and the guy we have to hate in the movie smiles.
Now I understand the appeal of this movie and the necessity of character motivation. I admitted I enjoyed it; I got to laugh and experience killing effects and visuals of the highest caliber (in some cases). But having the storytelling fall flat in such a way detracts from everything good about the movie. It IS POSSIBLE to have a story without letting it get in the way. You can give a character a personality without plastering cliches on the screen. (And the acting certainly didn't help. "Her heart is speciar…"? COME ON). And you can make the audience relate to that without milking emotions with overblown tragedy.
That said, this movie did have some strengths. Visuals were quite impressive, with creative and stimulating use of CG for ninja effects and weapons. The shadow step/vanishing effects were especially awesome. Problem though: the camera looked at times like it was operated by the guy who shot The Bourne Supremacy distracted by something slightly off screen; more on that later. The choreography of the fight scenes was beyond superb, and the details that went into developing the hero's badass persona were very well done (on the whole). But…
Technical problems abound. Writing was awful or a step above throughout (see heart = speciar), acting was never believable or serious enough for what this movie decided to do, and the dialogue was always delivered like one side of the conversation was half asleep. And even the all powerful fight scenes had an achilles' heel in the camerawork; I often found myself in the middle of action nothing short of epic, but I couldn't see a damn thing. At that point, you just have to assume based on principal that the character delivered a hideous blow matching the carnage the resulted from it. When I see an movie, I want to be shown something, not hints at it from which I have to paint a mental picture. Off-screen or out-of-focus action does not count! Guh…
The bottom line is that the movie is terrible, but enjoyable. It's the male version of twilight- something so ridiculous and wrong that only those enchanted by its silly, fantastical charm will bother to sit through it. And sometimes they come out surprised…not this time. Fun factor is a 3.5 to 4 out of 5, depending on how much you like ninjas vs. standard killing machines.
Overall Score: 1 out of 5